Transfer day..

The Day we’ve been waiting for..

Tomorrow is our Embryo transfer. The day we have been waiting for since we started. They will take 2 of our already frozen embryos and help them find a home in my uterus (hopefully for the next 9 months). It’s a quick and easy procedure, and then I’ll be on bed rest for a little while to ensure they settle in nicely. (please come visit me during that time) I can continue with normal activity after, however I will probably want to walk around in bubble wrap. “Nobody run into this potential baby carrier.” Mmm what a dream to carry a baby!

We won’t know for a couple weeks if it worked or not.  I can hardly process the weight of what either result means for us. For the most part, everything I’ve ever wanted I could reconcile that it just wasn’t the best for me, if I didn’t get it. This is so different. It’s always been out of my hands, but this time I can feel it. The complete lack of control and complete humility that God is in control is overwhelming. I’m hoping to have peace in this.  

The next 2 weeks will be the longest of my life so far! I will be looking for many things to do! Lets do coffee (decaf), breakfast, lunch, dinner!!!!! We have the best friends and family and we are so grateful for your support through this whole process that started so long ago. Much Love! XOXOXO

 

 

"Lets Rally"

I’ve been down for the count the last few weeks. Writing a blog was the last thing on my mind. Here’s a re-cap, or the full story for those of you who have no idea what happened.

I made it almost all the way the through the 1^st IVF cycle without a hitch. They retrieved 25 eggs at the time of the egg retrieval surgery. Which by the way was excruciating afterward. I was in a considerable amount of pain due to the high number of eggs and they were difficult to retrieve because they were smashed on top of each other. I didn’t have much to compare the feeling to, so having no idea how I should feel, made it hard to realize ovarian hyper stimulation had occurred. All in all we got 3 fully mature embryos out of the 25 eggs, which was great news.  I toughed it out thinking everything was on track. The morning I was suppose to go in for the transferring of the embryos into my uterus, they found a significant amount of fluid on the ultra sound. This happens very rarely in cases of infertility treatments. Lucky me! (Boo) They suggested that I shout not do the transfer. I was not, I repeat NOT, heartbroken. I was in so much pain it would have been a disaster to move forward with it. They gave me an IV in the office, some nausea meds and sent me home. I thought I was getting better. Again not knowing how everything is supposed to feel I kept on trucking. Two days after being in the office I was “forced” by my mom and Dash to go back in or go straight to the hospital. I insisted that a trip to the hospital would be ridiculous.  They basically carried me into the office. After another ultra sound, they realized I had “severe” hyperstim.  Symptoms include significant weight gain over a few days time, severe abdominal pain, shortness of breath and swelling or the abdomen. In my case I also had loss of appetite and I couldn’t drink water for 3 days prior to this visit. My ovaries were 11cm, a normal measurement would be 3cm. There was also a great deal of fluid still in my abdomen. Surprise, surprise, they sent me straight to the hospital to get an emergency paracentesis. This procedure in short removes the fluid. You’re awake during the procedure and it’s just as awful as it sounds.  Thank goodness I didn’t have time to Google it before hand, or I’m pretty sure I would have crawled back home. I felt instant relief as I saw my stomach getting smaller and felt the pressure subsiding. Apparently my organs were floating…sick nasty. It took quite a while to recover from the procedure and the hyperstim.

I finally feel semi normal again. I can put real pants now and go out into the world. Now that everything has settled down, I am a bit disappointed. We would have found out if we were pregnant yesterday, had the transfer happened 2 weeks ago. It was very clear it wasn’t the right time. Everything was picture perfect up until the transfer. There was no reason for anything to be off track, other than God’s sovereignty pulling rank. Currently, we are waiting to get through a round of birth control to start injections again. Birth control sounds crazy to take when you’re trying to get pregnant, but it regulates your body’s cycle. Thankfully we have 3 beautiful embryos frozen, so we don’t have to go through the stimulation part of it. The stim injections are the ones that produce eggs. I will only have to take a few hormone shots.

I feel much more prepared for the cycle, I feel great actually. If anything just a little impatient, which has never really been my thing, which is probably why God is making me wait. :/ I’ve seen it front and center time and time again how God’s perfect timing is so much better than any misguided plan I’ve conjured up in my mind to have a Christmas baby. (It would be nice) I’m also grateful for doctors who are more concerned with my health than what I want. I’m pretty sure I told them “lets rally” when they told me my organs were floating. I had no idea what I was saying; I was just trying to keep moving forward, cause that’s what I do. (Ladies, don’t be a hero)

Thank you for all of your messages, phone calls, emails, house visits…I’m so blessed with incredible friends and nurturing family, even supportive strangers. I’m so humbled by your outpouring of love.

Round 2…DING!

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Today marks the 16^th day taking shots. On Sunday (1/5) I started my Stimulation medication. Basically they are Drugs used to stimulate my ovaries to produce more eggs than usual in a monthly cycle. To sum it up, there’s more medication to shoot up, the needle is longer, and it burns.  Boohoo. Poor me. Yesterday morning I had an appointment to check on my follicles, which are, in short undeveloped eggs. I had nightmares that there weren’t going to be any. Surprise box, there were 20+ present and growing in there. I am so relieved! It’s so nice to have good news, no matter how small it may be! Having so many, does put me more at risk for hyperstimulation, which is when your ovaries rupture. No one wants that. I feel bloated all the time, but today was so great to be able to see on an ultrasound screen, exactly what was going on inside of me. I mean, 20, what an overachiever. Must have been all the spinach and pine nuts I’ve been shoving down my gullet. Blah!

I thought seriously about ending the blog there. I’m sure some of you would have appreciated that. Then I felt that tug, the one where you know you should share something deeper. Here is it. As odd as it sounds I didn’t think I would learn anything from this experience. IVF was something I had in mind to endure, to just get through. I’m good at enduring and pushing through the hard stuff. Even though it’s not what I would call a good time, it’s been surprisingly tranquil.  I’m amazed over and over again at how beautifully intricate the human body is. I’ve come to realize this is a time of worship a time to be in awe of how "beautifully" and wonderfully made we all are. The idea I had of conceiving a child and how simple that thought once was, is almost laughable now. “HAHAHA” I laugh in the face of..myself. The stars have to align in order for things to go the way they are suppose to even with medication assisted fertility treatments, so how in heavens name do people get pregnant that aren’t trying. I promised I would never go there, but I did. It's not bitterness, it’s being in utter amazement how everything works perfectly according to God's purpose.  It’s further proof that it is by no mistake that babies are born right where, when and how they are suppose to. I’m so grateful for this time that God is revealing himself to me in the design of how He created us.

Going right along with how God created me. I am one wicked sasswagon who doesn’t back down easily, and the Good Lord blessed my husband with patience because of it. I’ve had a lot of time on my hands to examine every little outburst and tiny feeling I have. I’m not exactly winning any “wife of the year” awards.  The meltdowns have persisted and seem to be getting worse. I now have zero tolerance for slow drivers, loud tv watching, close talking, and my poor cat.  These are just a few things that I go postal over now. It’s a weird feeling being annoyed to an uncontrollable level. I know my rational self to be extremely tolerant. Hormones.

If all goes well, in 6 days I will have my egg retrieval. There will be more blogs coming at ya. 

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.

Psalm 139:13-14

Not the Good ole Fashioned Way

Before I begin I wanted to give you a link in case you have no idea what IVF is. I have found that quite a few people have no clue what I'm talking about. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_vitro_fertilisation Today is the 9^th day of my Lupron shots. I did know if I wanted to start a blog before today. There are always the select few that say ignorant things, and when you put a blog out you’re open to those types of negativity. However, we have had so many people asking how I’m feeling emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally ect...  I thought I had better please the masses. It’s a huge blessing to have this kind of problem, I feel so loved and supported. The support I will receive will definitely outweigh the negativity.

I was nervous to start the shots, so nervous that in the injection training I made TERRIBLE jokes. I’m pretty sure they were questioning if we should get to have kids. When we left the doctors office, it felt like we were all of a sudden honorary nurses. It’s overwhelming, and I have no idea who would trust me with needles.  Turns out I’m kind of a badass. We’ve got a routine down now. At 5:30pm everyday Dash brings me my pink Polka dot ice pack, I light a candle, turn on Pandora, and I administer my own shot.  I like to plan something for 6pm so that I can have something to look forward to right after. This routine seems to work. 

I felt pretty well the first few days, no headaches or soreness. Now I can feel everything starting to work. I’m definitely sore, some headaches, and I'm really tired. I fell asleep in a 7 o’clock movie the other night. I’m officially “that person.”  All in all, I’m grateful for feeling as well as I do, mostly because I know it wont be like this for long. The next round of medication, via injections, starts January 5^th  and I will be mixing them with my current meds. I've heard not good things about how that part makes you feel.  I’m trying to take it one day at a time, I’ve got a long month ahead of me and I'm trying to stay as positive as I can.

To everyone who has called, texted, brought sweet care package I am so thankful! You have no idea the warmth it brings to my heart!

I’ll leave you with my most recent hormone meltdown story. A couple night ago, Dash and I were trying to figure out what to have for dinner, which is a battlefield on a good day. We left the house not knowing where we were going…horrible choice. I wanted Julio G’s, and Dash did not. We drove around some more...Jersey Mikes? In and out? Wendys? NO I don’t want any of them. Dash drove back to Julio G’s where I proceed to tell him “ I’m not even hungry, I’m so done, you are so stupid, I’m over it.” Cue hysterical crying.  Like an amazing husband does, he went in got me my enchiladas and endured the rest of the ride home. Yes ladies and gentlemen that is what having no control over your emotions looks like! God help my husband.

“Do not pray for easy lives, pray to be stronger men”

-John F. Kennedy